My Pursuit of Happyness

From many I heard saying happiness is based on circumstances but joy is an attitude. It is really hard for me to visualize this concept. My imagination led me to some SM fetishes where the sufferings are rejoicing in whiplashes and bondage. That aside, how much can real happiness (幸福) cost if it can be packaged and sold? You tell me. Can we afford to not have it? No. We can’t. Though happiness is what we feel towards specific “happy” events in our lives, this feeling can be altered based on our values and beliefs. One man’s meat is another poison. There isn’t a universal life event that all can be happy in. Even in the birth of a new life or the end of an old life. Some can be happy in what is supposed to be a sad occasion (the death of a life: murderer) and sad in what is supposed to be a happy occasion (the birth of a life: born out of wedlock).

I lived half of my life in misery. Hope was a luxury I didn’t buy. Misery love company. The more I convince myself that the whole world is against me, the more I “enjoyed” the cesspool I put myself in. I could have been Oscar the Grouch’s grandfather. I hated my body. I hated what I cannot do. I hate everything left, right and center. Until… I fell in love. This then became the time where even the ugly look beautiful to me. There is a spring in my steps and a silly grin that can’t be wiped off. Unfortunately, this did not last. The higher I flew into the love trap, the harder I fell back into reality. Bitterness, angst and despairs came back ten times stronger. With this violent swing, I slowly picked through the pieces of my brokenness and found peace. Well… sort of peace. I realized that I could choose what I want to feel.

To choose my feelings initially seem like an impossible feat. Feelings like pain are there to warn us of danger. When hurt in an abusive relationship, our feelings tells us to either fight of flee. In happiness, we get a rush or warm feeling that pushes us to keep going at what is making us happy. The pleasure and pain centers in our brains are very close together though. Thus, there are those that remain in abusive relationships (denial) or are deriving “pleasures” from pain (masochistic). Though entering into denial is part of our self-defense, protecting the body from going into shock, remaining in it could bring far worse consequences. In Kübler-Ross model, the final stage to end up in is acceptance. To correctly chose the appropriate feelings in responding to various circumstances require me to actively seek different viewpoints and also to learn to call a “spade” a spade (which to me still mean acceptance of the truth).

No matter how many times you are hurt, believe the gloom will part for clear skies. And when you are in bliss, remember it and enjoy it to the fullest. May you always stay happy and Happy Holidays!

*Wink.
MGFX1975 aka WindyG

Fame Pressures

Being remembered easily or being famous isn't really a good thing. Your life is laid under a microscope, with people waiting to see you laugh, cry, rise or fall. Being disabled also bring such problems, though on a much lesser level compared with famous actors or actresses. We are put on two extreme sides, either on the 'to be pitied' side (looked upon as needy) or on the 'to be admired' side (inspiring awe with what we can do with so little that we have). I really don't really like any of these sides. I would rather be looked upon as 'normal', neither to be admired or pitied and thus be allowed to laugh, cry, rise and fall at my own will.

Recently, a Taiwanese drama "闪亮的日子" strike a raw nerve in me. In one of the story, there is this man (more like a boy) 小林光輔 (李志峰) with a brain tumor finding love and not pity. Well, he found it (cause it a telly! Happen in cartoons and fairytales too), and I do doubt it would really happen if it is in real life (me = sour grapes). Anyway, my fascination was focus on the girl（陈玉婷）acted by a candy sweet girl 李佳豫 aka 小豫兒 that love him despite his 'pending' demise (Crap, he didn't die in the end. So soapy...). She didn't know about his brain tumor when she fell in love with him. Which I believe the result would be the opposite if the tumor is on his face instead! Call me pessimist. Love is about face value and looks. It is wired into our human nature, adhering the laws of attraction, ensuring we procreate and pass on the good genes. Good looks with good looks, average with average and fugly with fugly. Ok, before anyone starts to throw stones at me I must make this disclaimer. Yes! Not all will look at looks. (Duh...Still majority does.) :P

Fame can be achieved based on looks. You either become famous because you (not me) are butt ugly/fugly (less likely, but cue W***y C***g aka Xia**e please) or drop dead gorgeous/beautiful and cute like candy. Well, in my case, I stick out like a sore thumb in a crowd. So now, we have peer pressures, society pressures, work pressures and family pressures. So do you really need fame pressures??

Once upon a time, a documentary was made about me and my work with youths. OMG! I so regretted it after it run on prime time. Strangers approach and says: "Hey! Aren't you the dorky disabled counsellor on telly?" (I added the dorky part on request.) I was scared silly as I became a "role model" overnight. Which I can assure you I'm no saint. I laid low, dig my nose in private and don't fart if there is someone downwind. After some time, the temporal fame wears itself out. Until some id**t thinks there's nothing good on telly and rerun the darn documentary again. So here we go again.

STOP!!! Wait!!! This post is not about me. It is about those that are famous (rather pitiful people at times) and those wannabes (please do reconsider). Not many can handle the limelight well. There are the many "Marilyn Monroe"s, "Michael Jackson"s and "Leslie Cheung"s out there. To handle such fame pressures, once must be able to remain level headed and not get too carried away. With fame, one have to endure a bombardment of rumors, lies, gossips, false friends, loneliness, temptations, fatigue, anxiety, paranoia, insecurity and maybe a burn out from lighting the candle at both ends. Of course not all is gloom and doom. Many famous people that handle their fame well went on to do great things after their retirement from the limelight. They clearly understand their responsibilities and acknowledge the eyes that look upon them. They are matured and exercise strong self-controlled, drawing strength from giving instead of taking. At the end of their rainbows, they rest knowing they did well, fought a good fight and have fulfilled their fullest potential.

I shall leave you with a quote below to chew on.

“What is fame? The advantage of being known by people of whom you yourself know nothing, and for whom you care as little.” Lord Byron (English Romantic poet and satirist, 1788-1824)

高处不胜寒。

Cheerios! :)
WindyG o.k.a Michael Kuan