I have to stop killing myself.

I seriously think I have to stop before I really do. A friend commented over lunch that I am not very responsible when it comes to matters of my health. I agree with her. I not much of a control freak over the things I put into my mouth. I figure that I'm gonna die sooner or later so why deprive myself of my taste palate wants? I would refrain from actions and activities that would put harm into anyone else's life. But when only mine is at stake, I pretty don't care much. Idiotic huh? I thought so too. But aren't we all? My thoughts are that if I have any murderous tendencies, they are only to be directed to myself or to any inanimated objects (that are mine, as to prevent myself from commiting vandalism). If we all could really think that way huh? Here where the irony starts. For the name of self-preservation (or self-interests), man invented the excuse for destruction. For taking peoples lives. For preventing the loss of other lives that matter to them, which in many cases they wouldn't care much if those lives matter to somebody else. Thus, birth war.




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The phrase "digging our own graves" seems so apt and alive today. The media promote the get/do/see/live it now mentality. It emphasize instant gratification in sacrifice of greater good. The pathetic thing is, I'm falling for it! Consequences and reaping what I have sowed at times get no attention. I become a rambling idiot that "Lived for the moment" instead of "Seizing the Day". I feel so much like a sucker. Being led by the nose and my attempts to blend with the wall paper actually seems hard. To some its natural.

Oh..something else here too. I'm killing love. I have been keeping people at arms length lately. Especially lady friends. I don't think I would ever get married. So why put myself through such misery? Don't get me wrong. I want very much to get marry and to love! Then again...I so don't want it. Idiotic huh? Sigh...you wouldn't understand. The paradoxes that exist in life are idiotic. So my heart and mind continue the never ending Silent Rage. There are outcomes sometime. There aren't any sometimes too. What really matter, the Rage must go on. I won't and refuse to run away from it. I will let it shape and mould me. At the end of it all, I want to love the result of the rage. I want to love me. So I'll stop killing myself. Slowly, I'll learn. Then through it, I'll grow stronger.

Ain't Sucidial,
Michael Kuan a.k.a WindyG