In the Eye of the Storm

Did you know that over 150,000 people die every day?
And 1 out of 113 people would die this year?

Spooky? Morbid? Well...at least its the fact. The world is in a very chaotic state today. Security is almost non-existent, or at best an illusion. To make sense of what has been and would be going on around me is quite a challenge. The past few months were emotionally tough. I expect the next few months wouldn't get any better. You see, I gotten a phone call on Monday and was told that one of my friend passed away. I knew him while I was volunteering to the terminally-ill. I don't really know him that well, and again I wished I had. To remain calm and full of faith at a moment is not really a very hard thing to do. What is hard though is to remain consistent. To find the Eye of The Storm would be quite a feat I would hope to achieve throughout my life. The tricky part here again is to stay in the Eye. You asked why? Because the storm is moving. Moving with the storm require awareness and accurate observation on where it'll move to.Do at least try to guess where it would move. Divine revelations can be quite a help when you need it too. :)

Many friends I know refused to move when they clearly know they must. They were too comfortable to move, they say. The storm won't move, they proclaimed. They were too tired to move, they moaned. Old men reminisce on the good old days with regrets while young men lived as if they were immortals. The world is in such despair that hope become a rare phenomenon. The identity of some individuals are wrapped around instant gratification and with almost 100% neglect for tomorrow. I know and am aware of the moments that I fall through that pit too. It takes death to understand death. I was thus slapped with what I had already knew before. I was reminded of what I wanted to forget. I had forgotten that life is too short to;

* NOT love
* NOT share
* NOT give
* NOT hope
* NOT dream
* NOT sow
* NOT reap
* NOT grief
* NOT laugh
* NOT tear
* NOT build
* NOT to know that life is too short

We all deserve our cake and to eat it. The question I ask is whether I want the cake I baked. I prayed hard each time for strength to live hard as if that I would die tomorrow. I would then pray too for dreams so big as if I would never die. I am not a greedy man. I am just blessed. I am blessed to have people who love me and would tell me when I am on the wrong path. I am blessed to have them to catch me in my fall even though I willfully chose to walk it. He who laugh last laugh best isn't it? I believe he who lasted true to his own destiny would rest best. Shalom then I say to you my friends. May you stay always in the Eye of the Storm. May you find peace when the fat lady sing.

At peace,
Michael Kuan a.k.a WindyG

Dear Grandma,

My grandmother passed away on the 5th August 2006 @ 10:15pm.

I wrote this entry as I stayed by her side and saw her slowly slip away. There is more I really wanted to tell her, but this is all I could muster up at this moment. I already miss her very much.

I love you..Por Por

Dear Grandma,

I have told you everything I had wanted to say. Now that it's said, l felt only regret that no more could be said. You were my mum's educator, fervent supporter and strength provider. I am because my mum is. My mum is because you were first. Your life was lived to its fullest. Our struggles pale in comparison to yours. I remember your stories of your hardships, and could only look at you in awe. The fruits of your life are evidently shown through your children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Their love for you can never match your sacrifices. You were always generous and yet never held back a loving disciplining hand. Now I have no more tears. My heart numbed. I know I love you, but why has my heart turn cold? Would I ever see you again? I pray that I would. Worry not of the discourse you leave as they will resolve in its time. Forgive our failures and know you are missed. I do not know how long your legacy would last. I cannot guarantee our memories of you wouldn't fade. I am sure though of the footprints you left in my life, would be with me till the end of my days.

I am sorry; I hid behind the wall as your life slowly fade away. I am sorry too that my faith is too weak to believe for a miracle. For all the should haves and could haves, I am sorry. You led a hard life but a good life. We rally each time you called for every festivities. Wouldn't be the same without you. Especially missed are your Yong Tau Foo and Chicken's Legs. Your much sought after nuggets of wisdom and gentle rebukes would cease to be dispense when it's needed the most. I am proud of you "Por Por". I am honored to be your grandson. Thank you.

Missing you,
Your Ah Xiong.

Death and Dying.

We are alive, therefore we will die. This is the simplest, most obvious truth of our existence, and yet very few of us have really come to terms with it. This year has forced me to face the issue death and dying. I realised my awareness of my own mortality was an "out-of-sight, out-of-mind" matter. The beginning of the year saw me losing a close friend to cancer. Now half-way through, I may soon lose my beloved granny to the cancer demon as well. Many years ago I signed the Advance Medical Directive o.k.a AMD. I thought that would put the question of my own mortality to rest. I thought wrong. I only made a decision of not having aggressive treatment to be implemented. I did not and cannot decide on the time and manner of my departure.

I have been shuttling between my work, home and the hospital for the past few days. I never could have imagined how physically tiring that would be. (Emotional tiredness as well) I come to appreciate my family more, especially my mummy dearest. I can't imagine the anxiety she feels each time I am admitted into hospital for surgery or some other complications. I now truly believe my mum to be one of the strongest person I know. No matter how strong a facade she puts up in front of the family, it prick me badly to see my mum crumbling inside when she knows her mum's (my granny) days are numbered. Seeing my extended family’s emotions being placed on a roller-coaster ride is also torturous as well. We hung on to every message of hope in the doctor’s word; we fall into pits of despair with each look falling on granny. When to let go? How to let go? Why is all this happening? Who can we turn to for decisions? And many many more questions to be answered. They simply won’t go away even if we chose to ignore them. When push comes to shove, we find strength in each other.

At times like this frictions occur as well. Old wounds are reopening, displeasures proclaimed and frustrations are vented. Perhaps these are the ways we as mere mortals cope with the inevitable. Perhaps we just needed something else to focus on; rather than the impending moment. I appreciate people around me and really do love life. I love life enough to know when to let go. I don’t have all the answers, neither do I have many answers. But what I know is this, that life is short and love conquers all. I commented recently to a youth I once counseled; that the type of person that I found hard to find is the people that live life passionately. That’s the type I want to be. That’s the life I want to live. I pray that the moment I bite the dust, I hit it with a wide smile on my face. Please pray for my granny. Pray too for my heart that it be strong. Pray also for yourself; that you live life to the fullest and love without reservation. After all, we never will truly know what tomorrow may bring you.

May you live right rather than only long,
Michael Kuan a.k.a WindyG