Expect the expected

Someone recently asked me on what is the surest way of not getting disappointed? Simple. Have no expectations, be extremely fatalistic and a hopeless bum. Oh how we all wish that the world revolve around us. Deny it all you want. The truth is the truth. We expect people let us in the MRT before anyone gets off. We expect people to let us out of the MRT before anyone gets in. Heck! Everyone is behaving this way so why shouldn’t I!? Don’t let me get started on Kiasuism. I really don’t want to go there today. It’s about 7am in the morning and if I sigh anymore I would be a flat as a deflated balloon.

The month of July has been a very trying and stressful month. Just a week before my birthday, my family was told that my granny has cancer in its last stages. On my birthday itself, I relearned about what is naivety in a brand new way. I learned that promises can and would be broken if it’s too inconvenient to keep. Even my cellgroup leader spoke about disappointments in a cellgroup sermon! How appropriate it is for me. (Really a word spoken in season.) The fact is this; my priorities remain only my priorities no matter how much I wish that it’s someone else’s priorities too. My vision no matter how fluently communicated will never be 100% imparted. That is what kept individuals individually unique.

Two days ago my beloved mummy was taken to A&E because she couldn’t pass urine. I almost had a nervous breakdown. I was really screaming my lungs out to God! Sigh…how I wish crises, emergencies and unforeseen circumstances can be scheduled. Naïve eh? These two days has seen me having quite frequent emotional outbursts. Especially to authorities. I called the Traffic Police to punish the motorcyclist that has been consistently blocking my way to my office. Evil? I almost wanted to choke somebody real bad (an authority in my life) in a stranglehold on many occasions. Un-submissive eh? The true fear I have is really on my defense mechanism kicking in to protect myself from disappointments. I switch off and turn cold or switch to be more aggressive and turn white hot on the people around me. I can become heartlessly numb or a battering ram bent on destruction. I can stop hoping (becoming a I can’t be bothered critic) or become a selfish idiot that demands my way now, now & NOW! In short, my respond is usually very destructive and extreme.

Having a healthy discontent and an irritating repetitive demanding behavior is two entirely different mindset. Applying grace on to people and myself must also be kept in the context of the situation that it is given or withhold. I have seen people claiming to be gracious to be uncaring and flaky (They can really give grace coz they can’t really be bothered with me…or you.). I have too seen the people claiming to act out of tough love needing a crash course in grace. That is my challenge too. I philosophize way too much sometimes. But I like it this way. It’s comforting to know that I have struggles and that I am actually thinking.

Whether we like it or not, we all must learn to be adaptive. Nobody is going to hand me success on a silver platter nor would the world stop turning the moment I drop dead. If I really want it, I will get it by my effort with strengths and creativity from God then. Learning and maintaining a teachable heart is the only solution to disappointments. Not everyday will be a Sunday, but there will always be a Sunday. Let me part with you with my Mentor’s favorite saying. “Grow Stronger!”

Submitting to Grace.
Michael Kuan a.k.a WindyG

Have a Piece of Me...

A Letter I Gave my Guest for my Birthday Bash,

“Have a Piece of Me,
From my Heart to Yours,”

Dear family, friends and fellow marketplace leaders,

Thank you for giving me the honor of your presence today. The past two years has been a tumultuous time that saw me through major changes, and experiences that has put me in many positions of breakthrough. Call it mid-life crises, (though I think I’m still too young) the past years has mould my thoughts and has given me a fresh wind in how the following chapters of my life should be written. I am who am by the sum of my experiences, the decisions or respond I chose to make and most importantly the company of friends I chose to keep. I thank you for being a part of this colorful and at times perturbing life. You have made a difference, no matter how small or how big, I am blessed through your friendship.

It is neither cliché nor a model answer statement when I say that I want to treasure life as it is. It is imperative that I must learn to give into life more than life has given (and will continue to give) to me. Through joy and pain, through laughter and tears, life has never truly failed me in anyway. Yes, there were times of frustration and hardships. There were also times that I thought I couldn’t take another step further anymore. Yet having nothing but only Grace and Faith, I could plough on. I am blessed. I can never deny that. In my time of weakness, I found strength through people like you. I too found hope in humanity that even though fallible; it is imbued with resilience that would rise when called upon. Thus I urge you to consider yourself blessed too and be liberated to live fully.

I would like to consider my life now lost, lost as it now does not belong to me. It belongs to my God and also to you. It was never really mine to keep in the first place. It is something that can be taken away against my will. Thus, I can only chose how it should be lived when it is still temporarily in my hands, for me to be a good steward of it. I chose to write you instead of a giving a long-winded painful speech that you may forget the next day. I know what I have that requires no affirmations. I know what I do not have and is assured I can have it (if I want it badly). Whatever I have or do not, pray that I live contented but not complacent. I thank you again for being a part in this life. I thank you in advance for the many encouragement, admonishments, impartation and many others things that you would kindly give. I pray I have the opportunity to contribute to yours too. Please have a good time in this party that is not only to celebrate the day I was born, but the years already lived. I wish you well and a fulfilling life that is lived to the fullest.

“Soli Deo Gloria”
Michael Kuan a.k.a WindyG

Be Thankful...

Why? Because life IS a bed of roses. Disagree? Well…there is a catch here; you have to accept the thorns that come with it. Disappointments, hurts and suffering are part and parcel of life. So it was always disturbing to hear people whining about life small setbacks as if the world is going to end the next moment, or as if they are the only ones with such painful experiences. Today is my Birthday! I celebrated it on Saturday with painfully, selectively invited guests and had a really good time. But unexpectedly, I was also in for a very disappointing experience. The people that RSVP to say they would come didn’t show up! Its ok if it is one or two, but can you imagine I had more than twenty!? Well…I actually somewhat expected it, but not in such great number. That’s life eh? You never know what you are really going to get. Still, I still managed to have a good time. I just had to lower my expectations.

The world doesn’t revolve around me. This I will accept. It’s not like I am a Kwek Leng Beng that has his invitation to his birthday party selling in eBay. Nobody’s life truly revolve around anybody. Even to their close ones. At least not one hundred percent, which I am very sure about. The key here is to come close to it. Close to what you ask? Not to disappoint people lah. It is very frustrating to hear a maybe don’t you think so? I had a very close business associate that really couldn’t be sure if she’s coming or not. So she gave me a straight No. She turned up! My bible teaches me to let my Yes be Yes and No be No. So come hell or high waters I would try my best to stick to my word. I came out strong in this event though.

I’m glad that I know who among my friends are the ones that kept to their words. There are some that need to be given a benefit of a doubt. Those are the ones that had the courtesy to SMS me or call me to offer apologies. Really pissed with those that just remain silent… I will bear no grudges with them. Like I said, I bought a lesson with their absence. Hehehe….revenge is better served cold. *Smack! Bish! Bong!* Err…just hit myself for my evil thoughts. I was thinking of paying back with a maybe for whatever those people invite me for and be a no-show too. Muahahaha! *Bang! Bish! Boing!* . Anyway, I seriously don’t think I will pull a stunt like that anytime soon. It’s too stressful. I can’t imagine what I will be going through for my wedding dinner!! Hmmz…like my mentor always say…”Grow stronger.” Let me emphasize this ok? I AM STILL VERY THANKFUL for MY LIFE! Yippee!!….grow stronger.

BTW, here are what I am thankful for. I got a VIOLIN for a birthday present!! From a very nice music teacher! I’m going to take up lessons with her real soon. Then I’m going to play a song for my even more selected guest at my next birthday party!!! My mum was happy with the flowers I gave her that night. My mentor kissed me! (On the cheek!) Yucks! A lot of the disabled youths had a great time. I didn’t bleed too much $$$. Though I still bled. (Anyway, organize this kinda thing must expect to bleed.) I got to touch base with a few close friends again. There still a lot more and I can go on forever!

Hmm…next paragraph.. Very long winded ya? It’s my blog and I will write however I want it. My birthday resolutions (not wishes), is to lose a truckload of weight and look great. I want to also earn truckloads of money too. Then I can be a Kwek Leng Beng with invitation going to the highest bidder. *Evil grin* Ok friends, that it! Check out some of the photos I took during my party ya?

Happy Birthday to ME!!
Michael Kuan a.k.a WindyG

What's in a name...

...without a face?

Well...plainly speak, nothing. The pressures of life hold us ransom on how we lived it. We either succumb to it or we break free from the norms. Not many would chose the latter. The latter has proven itself over centuries that it would be a bitter pill to swallow. However, for one to flow with the flow is to ask that we murder our individuality and conform. Thus the issue of faces crops up again. We become square pegs trying to fit into round holes. We bang, we squeeze, we kick and scream. After sometime, we managed to get into the round hole but never quite fully and comfortably.

I never quite understand what I am doing half the time. Ironically, I am very comfortable with that. I am a person that reflects a lot on my words, thoughts and deeds. But with all the reflections I subject my mind to, I found that there must be conclusive outcomes. The outcome would determine whether I continue to spiral into the depth of self-pity or it renewed my strength. The outcome is my awareness on what is my faith level is at. Am I hopeful or am I in despair? If I am in despair then how can i lift myself up again. Mediocrity is for the hopeless heart. To dwell in who I was, who I am now, who people think I am or who I really am is of no more importance. I will focus the on one me that really matter. Who i want to become...

There are many times i learn to control what is mine to control (exercising self-control) and release what is not my jurisdiction. It made a lot of things easier. I found myself to be at peace when I knew I had done my best. Harping over the past and bitching about things that is beyond me is considered ridiculous and energy sapping. I never really like to answer to questions that start with "Do you know...?" When force to, these usually are my answers. I Know, I Don't Want to Know or I don't know YET. These statements put in control on what I chose to feed my mind with. It is definitely unpretentious and therefore put a more predictable face into my name. I am who I am is what I love to say. I can't be what others want me to be nor be able to truly understand who I really am. Again i repeat then. I can, in WHO I WANT TO BECOME! That then is my name and my face. The man who will become...

For the Glory of God alone...
Michael Kuan a.k.a WindyG