Would you?

Would you? Would I what, you ask? Well…if you were to know that you might only have ten years life left, would you still begin a serious relationship? I was pondering on my previous post. It came back one full circle. The question of “to be or not to be?”. There will always be unanswered questions. There will never be THE perfect moment for actions. I seen many died with truckloads of regrets, hurts and with their dying breath uttering; “If Only…”. I would love to have a wife someday. That someday would come earlier or later, which is very much determined by me. I don’t really have a set of preset criteria for my potential wife. I want to have that someone I would love with all my heart, mind and soul. To have the PERFECT woman, I ask then am I the perfect man. It’s really ridiculous to expect a 10/10 woman to love me when I myself is a 5/10. Thus my responsibility is only my own. I comment on a lot occasions that good women (and men) are a dollar a dozen. The real question is not where have all the flowers gone, but is that flower right for you. I don’t believe in fate. I believe in destiny. Fate = chance or luck. Destiny = predetermined way. Destiny is more what we make of each situation, day by day, seconds by seconds. Walk a bit with me, could a man blame fate of his singlehood when he is unkempt, uncouth, uneducated and horribly unattractive? Surely Not!

Going back to my first question; “Would you start a relationship if you knew you have only ten year life left?” Well…I might. If it is made known to her right from the start. Watch “Spiderman 2”? Remember what was said before the girl ask Spidey to “Go Get Them Tiger”? A relationship is the concern of two parties. It is not and should never be a one-sided affair. By giving the other party the responsibility of an informed choice, it form the basis of trust, which in turn become the relationship’s foundation. I bet you seen many dive into relationships in pure stupidity that ends up in pure stupidity. Sadly, human may not be a rational lot when it comes to matters of the heart. All it depend on is the “Heavenly Sensation”, the pounding of the heart and sweet nothings. However, I must add, romance is good and chemistry between two parties is a must. The important thing is what follow after those sensation? My mentor once told me of four types of emotional bird form which we can take, they are;

The “Owl”, have a closed heart but an open mind. An intellect by nature and discipline in its emotions. Firm in principles, result oriented and can sometime be quite a heartless a**.

The “Peacock”, open heart but a close mind. Attracted by beauty, creative and a passionate lover. To emotional at times and seldom think (thats where the term "pea brain" comes from).

The “Eagle”, open heart with an open mind. Sensitive to its surroundings and fast to strike when all facts are right. Very unpredictable with mood swings because it struggles within. Dangerous at times but admired upon.

The “Ostrich”, closed heart with a closed mind. Extremely stubborn and haughty, when it comes to trouble it will be the first to “hide”. Err...I think this bird means stay far away from it, coz you be better talking to a wall.

When it comes to love, I am more of an Eagle. Willing to risk it all but yet desire nothing but perfection. I can go on at lengths to describe this four personalities, but this is not the purpose of this entry. The crux of the matter is closer to my heart. Should I approach my crush and perhaps succeed to develop chemistry. Subsequently, I then drop the “bomb” on her, that I may not have long to live? Is it fair then? Would she be in a state that is clear enough to make a well-informed choice? Ideal is this, like the watch advert some time back. It says “I don’t care much about eternity, but I care much of possessing it temporarily.” The dilemma is this; “I FREAKING CARE A LOT ABOUT ETERNITY.” I couldn’t care less to have something just to lose it. I want to lose something but then to have it. Starting this blog was not meant to just being able to pen my feelings, thoughts and experiences. The plain and simple purpose is this;

1) To share my experiences and HOPEFULLY somebody somewhere can learn from it.
2) To seek alternative bold views for advices of wisdom so as to grow as a person.

Sadly, the second purpose that I ardently desire is in great lack. Some comment personally about the length or profoundness of my entries. Yet none offer an alternative view. Friends, my heart is quite torn. To act on how I feel for the girl have two very real consequences that can make or break me. Ultimately I believe I should not rely only on the advices of Man but to seek Higher Advice. Then again, my God has worked through people before (and will still use them) to help me grow. These are the two consequences;

1) She’s attached and my heart feel like S*** only for a few days. (This MAYBE I can bear.)
2) She is NOT ATTACHED, then?? (Just Do it?)

Asking questions is one of the many ways to seek wisdom. I am in danger of asking to much and it cause me to have inaction. So friends, this is my dilemma. ADVICE ME!

Confused…again.
Michael Kuan a.k.a WindyG

I'm an emotional blob...

I am an emotional blob. I am proud to be one. Being hyper-sensitive has its plus points you know? In case you are wondering why I’m posting so often nowadays, I have a laptop. Company issued de. So I get to blog while in the train. Back to my emotional blob. The plus of being a sensitive man (don’t like the term SNAG), is I can empathize with a whole broad spectrum of emotions. Added with my counseling training, it sometimes irritates the hell out of me and threaten a lot of people around me. You see, most times I tend to over-analyze. And those who are damn insecure really believe I can read their minds (which I can’t). I just read in between the lines and a person’s body language. We are all walking billboards. When people see us they are actually seeing an advertisement. Notice the recent Navy’s advert recently. I find it very corny. Nobody’s life is actually that boring and plain. If you truly make the effort to find out a person, it’s actually better than reading a novel. Which means YOU DON’T HAVE TO JOIN THE NAVY to get an exciting life. I think everybody’s life has already way too much excitement. I could use some consistency. The rainbow of emotions I go through each day is really very overwhelming at times.

Please allow me to indulge myself. I want to tell about what’s going in my life now. You figure out if it is boring or not. I deal with people, a lot of different types of interesting people. In my work, I negotiate deals with the corporate high flyers. In my personal time, I volunteer to minister to the physically impaired and terminally ill. I figure since I am given the gift (some say curse) of being able to relate easily, I had better put it to good use. I like what I am doing now. Some close friends comment on what I am doing for myself though. Well…what do you think I am doing?? No one is truly altruistic lah. I am no saint myself. In work, play and ministries, I am actually doing all for myself. Though my gain may often time not come back in monetary form, I am still gaining a lot. I won’t try to explain what I gain to you because that would be too subjective. Anyway, my ability to feel emotions and comprehend it would sometime turn on me and become my stumbling block. Being way too philosophical about some stuff when it’s actually quite simple is very irritating. (My friends told me so.)

Ooh…somebody commented my blog is sooo long! Well…it’s my way of communicating lah. What do you think I’m called WindyG for!? It partially meant I’m very lor sor. The other part is a bit R-rated. Err…I think I am beating around the bushes here. I actually started with the purpose of wanting to pen down a VERY STRONG feeling. I think I am a bit paiseh lah. Okie…here goes nothing. I think I have a crush. An infatuation is a queer emotion to comprehend. It cannot be explained in logic and defy all common senses! The reasons it offer is too lame for my taste, but I still can’t help it. I remember I posted something about how I would like to be in love. I would like to GROW in love. Not FALL in love! S***! I’m late for work. As if my life would work out the way I want it. Duh… that’s the freaking problem! Most of the time we don’t get 100% of what we want, sometimes not even a freaking 50%! We can plan; scheme, plot, bargain, fuss, bitch, throw a fit and still life would dish out what it want to dish out. Like it or not, take it or leave it. Now now…I am not advocating that you should not plan, scheme, plot, bargain, fuss, and bitch, throw a fit and become a fatalistic IDIOT! Actually if you do all that you might get something close to what you desire (sometimes). Ask any women! They can testify to that (coz they do the most crying and bitching). Oops…I am being a bit sexist here.

Anyway, there is so much I don’t know about her. I know her name, and we attend the same church. I won’t be telling too much about her details even if I know. Sigh…looks like I’m all set to get my nose bloodied again. Every time langa wall de. Really need to commit more time in prayers over this. Ok…let see how should I go about this. THE FIRST MOST IMPORTANT THING! Find out if she’s even freaking available or not lah! Set…if she is then I will embark my boldest marketing project ever!!! The product and services? ME! ME! ME! That’s right! YEAH! Tell you what, if I find out she’s available, I will document my pursue ONLINE! Yup, unadulterated, unabridged and uncensored version. All I have to do is to pray hard that she never find out about this blog. Well…a least until I succeed…or fail ba. Wait patiently ok? Kekeke…muahahahaha!!!

Infatuated,
Michael Kuan a.k.a WindyG

Insecurity

Insecurity…something that we all have. Just finished a long coffee session with a close friend. Gosh…we really talk. It’s now close to midnight and I’m on the train heading for home. It feels good to have somebody that is close to the heart. We talk about a lot of things today. We talked about life, friends, and work and even about SEX! With her I can be me. Yup she’s a she and I’m a he. A very platonic friendship. She is very attractive but no chemistry leh. I like it this way. Off-topic a bit, do you believe in pure platonic relationship? I do. I have plenty platonic relationships, but that’s another topic another day. You see, what strikes me in our conversation was when we were talking about insecurity. It’s a given about human beings. Give me some time with the strongest man (Emotionally) and I bet you I can break him. We were talking about how different people anchor themselves onto different things, people or circumstances. We talked about our own insecurities. Some derive their sense of security in power, some in fame, some in relationships and some in cold hard cash. We are all anchored to that something somehow, consciously or sub-consciously. No man is truly secure, even the greats. The difference is in how each individual deals and cope with their own insecurities (plural). The level of insecurity in each determines a lot about how one’s own life is leaded. The more insecure a person is, the more paranoid he behaves. I was once extremely insecure. I am still insecure but more or less have it under control. I believe that to be true for great and mature people as well. They learn where to and where not to place the security in. Let me put it this way; imagine a surgeon who is not an assuring one. Imagine him telling you all the things that might go wrong and he is absolutely unsure of his capabilities. Would you still be secured to put yourself under his knife?

Let’s face it, our feeling of being secure (safe) is based on what we know and how much we believe it. The earlier a child is exposed to doubts, the more likely he would become insecure in many areas. I was insecure because of my identity, my self-image. Growing up as a physically-impaired person made me unsure about a lot of things. Questions like do my parents really love me? Would the society accept me? Do people find me an inconvenient? Am I a burden and etc? The interaction that is birth from my insecurities only adds to it and wreck havoc in many occasions that is embarrassing. The need to feel safe is inherent in everyone. Though many tried masking it, it becomes futile when you witness their behavior when their objects of securities were forcibly taken away from them. They become irrational, depressive and at times may be violent too. Feeling truly secure meant having faith. And having faith sometimes mean you may not have all the facts but you believed it anyway. The irony is this; no one can be truly secure or have 100% faith. It is simply because the people and things that we put our security in is all temporal. The wise would know how much to place in order for them not to be disappointed when that security fails. So a food for thought...what makes you safe? Are you too dependent on it?? Would it crumble you when it’s gone?

Anchored Firm,
Michael Kuan a.k.a WindyG