An earnest prayer...

"Sincere words are not beautiful. Beautiful words are not sincere. He who knows is not learned. He who is learned does not know." ~ Lao Tzu. Tao Te Ching

To my God, Creator & Friend,

Father…you have given and blessed. But yet I find no peace in this out of controlled mind. Submission to doubts is easy and painful…I struggle. You have given me a life and a destiny. I know not them. I struggle with the basics and mediocre that frustrates and tires me consistently. With wisdom there come much grief…Have You given me wisdom?? That questions finds no answers. With my unpredictable moods and thoughts swinging like a strayed pendulum, I only beseech You for peace. Being entangled constantly in the web I weave, I find no way out. But then again…You are the Way. The simple truth confronts me shamelessly. I have not rest in You. You have again and again pave the way for my return, but You grieve over my adamant heart. As my heart bleed in pain, I knew not where else to turn to except You… If I could ask as You promise I could, then this is what I seek; Wisdom to live a life according to your will. Courage to persevere through testing. And Faith in my God whose arms are never too short to save.

I do not delight anymore in ideologies and make believes. The realities of life became a skillful tool Satan wields without fear against me. My security is threatened, my focus blurred. The all too familiar nauseating feeling of a roller-coaster life sickens me. Faithlessness attacks and meet its intend, to destroy and conquer. Then my Lord, is this your will? I believe in Your Word that there is a unique destiny for each of Your created. What then is mine? What do I need to do to find out? I see not where this pain leads. I see not comfort nor relieve. Have mercy on me…Should I fail you, grant me grace. Anchor me upon You as the Rock. Touch me with Your abundant Love. Do I dare demand? YES! Your Words are for me to claim and I will claim with all my might. Do I dare beg? YES! For a broken reed You will not break.

You have seen all the tearful, sleepless nights. You were there through my anguish and bitterness. Do not remain silent from me any longer. Speak to me clearly that I need not strain these weak ears. Show me You before my deceitful heart hardens more. Open my spiritual eyes and ears. Let them not turn away from what is good.

Broken,
Michael G a.k.a WindyG

A peom for my Lord and Savior.

Drip Your Drops of Tears...

Peace is felt when souls are silenced.
Rages & storms calmed with the Master's command.
Grips loosen...sins lifted...
Then drip your drops of tears...in repentance

Love is felt when souls are quench,
Of its eternal thirsts by the Master's Hands.
never thirsty again...never...
Then drip your drops of tears...in gratitude.

Hope is felt when souls are in light.
Blindness lifted with faith not might.
It's seen...still seeing and will be seen.
Then drip your drops of tears...in faith

So open your floodgates to HIM my friends,
Never has such invitation repeatedly sent.
There’s Peace, Love, Hope & many more,
When the time you drip your drops of tears...in acceptance of Him.

Michael G a.k.a Windy G

A poem for my beloved mum.

A Tribute to My Mother.

Treacherous road down this path.
A journey in life with not much laughs.
The beginning could tell of the end,
mould by a lover, a builder my God sent.
The mother of just a crippled son.

Cries of her labour echoes pain in her heart,
for a child of hardship, it only starts.
Endless tears roll down her gentle face,
through love and giving from her tender grace.
My mother and I the crippled son.

Michael Kuan a.k.a Windy G

Living Hard

"If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put foundations under them." - Henry David Thoreau

Ashes to ashes dust to dust. Naked I come, naked I will go. The destiny of an individual very much depends on the choices that he has made or will make throughout his lifetime. His environment that provides him his experiences will determine the perspectives he holds. Through them his personality and character is shaped. And through a seemingly divine act, he will become what he is supposed to be. Though this may sound too far fetch for some, I believe that life is not an accident. It happens for a purpose. An individual’s “purpose” in life must serve as a compass pointing him to the end. Many have chosen to just pass through life anonymously and submerged in mediocrity. But comfortingly, there are those whose life has made a difference. As many will enter adulthood with the impression that they will be getting something from the world, there are also those who knows that is what they are leaving behind that truly matters. As the process of inquisition of truth leads to growth, I believe that a person’s awareness and sensitivity to himself and his responses to his conditioning environment is of great importance. Yet many have failed to graduate from a “life phase” and move on to greater maturity when they simply deny themselves a “lesson”. And amusingly they repeatedly put themselves through painful vicious cycles masochistically and blame their life’s sufferings as being unfair.

Though it may be comforting for some to have a simple life, I am sure that I want not one. Life is complicated. I consider it great injustice done if I deny myself a life that is lead to its fullest, in accordance to my destiny. But to live out a destiny, one is needed to painstakingly probe into himself and inquire his purpose of existence. Arriving on his own concept of life, he will then govern his life on it and it will decide his future and his end. May it be for pleasures (hedonism), materialistic paganism, inner fulfilment (spirituality), self-worship (narcissism) and etc, none can or should pass a judgement on his concept for it is formed by himself and internalized through time. As I have mentioned earlier that a person’s conditioning environment will greatly determine his future, his conscious response to them can still drastically change a “pre-destined” life path. There are the optimists, pessimists and the realists. Put them in a same deliberately engineered crisis, they will each respond differently and arrive at different resolutions towards the crisis. Thus, I conclude that much of my life is within my control to change with my attitude and responses, whereas other people’s lives are not for me to change but to influence. I cannot decide on the weather nor dictate the movement of the stars and universe, but within the frame and boundary of my respond towards life…the responsibility is in my hands.

So is there a “correct” view of life one must have? Yes and No…I have encountered people who have views about life that seems quirky to me, but I must still respect them for their conviction. The perspectives of an individual towards life are usually heavily defended. And depending on his age and experiences, his degree of convictions about them will be justifiable and valid with substantial evidences.

Positively,
Michael G a.k.a WindyG

What is love? (Part 1)

"Fools rush in where Angels fear to tread."
- Alexander Pope

Since the beginning of time, God has put the concept of love into the hearts of man. Regardless of gender, culture and boundaries, love exists with a will of its own. It produces different results when approached differently. In my personal experience, I have been hurt badly by love. With its trail of its existence leaving scarred memories that will forever remain like a stubborn stain. Being an idealistic perfectionist, I find myself constantly discontented and impatient with my inability to achieve true “love”. Finding and falling in love have thus become a fearful and tedious process for me. Attempts of loving were always at extreme points (either I shut myself up being a snobbish hermit so as not to be hurt or being overly stupid throwing all caution into the wind falling head on into the pits). The questions about “love” and loving have been under microscopes of social scientists to the simple layman since God knows when?! Perspectives of it differ drastically and are contradictory worldwide. To have a final conclusive definition of “love” becomes impossible and will no doubt invite unnecessary disagreements. Thus I have collated different perspectives with the sole objective of finding what true love meant to me. As I chose to write on this topic from an experiential perspective, I couldn’t help but to wonder if true love had ever existed or will it ever exist in my lifetime. And in writing about love, I refer mainly to my search for love in life partnership and of purity in “loves” like parental, material, and etc. Through a self-critic process, I found some personal conclusive facts from my views and have added them in. They solely represent my opinions and are derived from my personal encounters with love. I wish not to offend nor convince them upon anyone.

Being born disabled has not been very much helpful in my search for true “love”. The deception of my own heart causes me to doubt much. Coupled with the poor esteem and security of my soul that over-questions and over-protects against the motives of man, my personal development of a loving heart is always under constant threat. I have tried many times to stand by the principle of “growing in love” rather than “falling in love”, but ended up with very disappointing results. The frailty and discipline of the heart that yields rather than overcome becomes an irritant and obstacle, demanding a constant subconscious battle that rages in my very core. Hence the ideology of exercising self-control, spirit over mind, mind over flesh seems inhumane and unachievable. But failures in perfection have yet and must not serve as an excuse of not trying. I too acquired recently the displeasure of agreeing with the concept that most men (as in gender) submitting unknowingly to think with their genitals than their God-given brain over the issues of companion relationships. With the many kinds of “love” that are floating around, the differences confusingly widen from the purely platonic to the confusing erotic. Sadden with the decaying and degeneration of “love” in general, I fluctuate between extremes and often plunges into the state of emotional limbo and chaos. The moaning and groaning of my soul amplify with each experience (whether good or bad), the light at the end of the tunnel seems nowhere nearer. Paradoxical perspectives arises and contradictory emotive states motivate me even more to probe myself in my motives and actions, and thus disciplining them accordingly.

Keeping in mind of my fallen imperfect state, I have seen myself swayed easily like a ship without its anchor, under the mercy of the winds and the waves. Many times when my feelings overrules logic, it produces a very pathetic and comical desperado - me. But in keeping to a resolution I made at the age of twenty-two of which is to develop “A Heart of Love, An Attitude of Humility and A Lifestyle of Integrity.” I find no justifiable excuse to chicken out and call it quits. My concept of life as being meaningful involves “love” as the central motivation in my day-to-day decisions. Hence, it is important that I find love to be filled with truth and be securely anchored.

Out of Love;
Michael G. a.k.a WindyG

Regrets

"My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there." - Charles F. Kettering

Do I live my life with any regrets? Yes…there are more than some. Many times I spoke of “if I could have done…..” or “if I knew…” Life is a dynamic challenge that many of us face with fear. Handfuls are courageous to take calculated risks. Some were just blindly chasing the wind. Precise decisions are to be made daily. To pause to consider consequences is consider as wasteful or even gutless. To go with the flow of the heart of the mind too pose as a rage in everyone. From the minor to the major, everything has its repercussion, response, consequence, fruit or whatever you like to call it. Regrets thus become common in life’s platter. Some consider it as fate or even luck that their choices made were wrong. Minor regrets like having the wrong choice of lunch, colour of shirt or a mismatched tie is easily brushed aside. As I said that life is dynamic, we learn from our regrets. Living with it and mentally note it to ourselves to learn from it.

The major regrets are the ones that create more than a stir in my guts. They are able to penetrate my soul and rip me like a ragged doll. Career…friends…misfits cause by my disobedient tongue, just naming a few. Often the root of my regrets is that I knew deep within me is that I fall short of a high standard. A standard set by either myself or by the people, society or even the world. This standard reminds me that things could have been better. At this point you might realise that I am an extremely discontented man. I consider this to be healthy. Healthy because I know when to call it quits and when to really start pushing, wailing, whining and pulling. This discontentment has taught me to better myself. Things that are material do not hold high in my priorities’ list. I have strife in inner development. Thus I needed a high standard, a very, very high standard.

I know not of a worthy standard except the standard set by my immediate circumstances. As a child, the standard can be seen boring heavily on me from my mum. Discipline, knowledge, independence, obedience and of maternal love. She made it known through her ways (which I shan’t elaborate). Mrs. Waterhose and Mr. Rotan are familiar “people” in my childhood. They serve as a reminder when I fail to meet the standard. My regrets are that I didn’t work hard enough to meet the standard and thus could have avoided them. This standards imposed have made its it prints in my journey through life. They were effective to a certain point…a point when I have grown too strong to render an audience with Mrs, Waterhose nor Mr. Rotan. Thus I regret not when I fall short of this standard when it became a wailing tiger without its’ teeth. My teenage age was no better. I found the SS’s (secret society) standard. Namely three mainly components: Loyalty, Honour and Filial Piety. Within these boundaries, the general rule is "do what thy willed and thy pleased thy own depraved mind can imagine." The SS standard is shown to me by bitter like-minded youth that were once idealistic but have long been disillusioned by the world’s promises and so-called “hope”. They came from everywhere but had one thing in common. Their roots are of Discontentment. Trailing behind faithfully are bitterness, frustration and disappointment. Closely associating itself to the root.

Many times we asked why things had to be the way they are. We will be forever be bogged down by many questions that never have any answers to be met with. I have many regrets. Many of which I chose to run away from. I have done plenty of stupid things, yet it was through it that I learn and grow. The paradoxical truth is this; a lesson and test will be repeat itself till an individual learns. The regrets that I will carry as a heavy burden through life now serve merely as a reminder never to repeat them again. Of which standard am I to follow now? How can I find the standard that can provide me the betterment of my soul, the strengthening of my heart and as a yardstick of my deeds? Then this I have to say, the standard is a process. It will never be an end destination by itself. There will be always something I can improve. Though perfection seems elusive, it should not serve as an excuse for not trying.

Live Hard;
Michael G a.k.a WindyG

Maturing the Soul...

“You can start a little revolution regardless the era you are in.” ~ Taz

Everyone must grow in life. I am of no exception. In the process of growth, I have learned (and am still learning) lessons that none living would be able to impart or will it to me. There were also lessons that I learned (like everybody else) through mistakes and through very hard knocks. I am blessed to have people coming in and out of my life with experiences that spared me a lot of troubles and pain. I have my own unique talents, habits, attitudes, personality, and character, perspectives of life and experiences that are unique. Thus so, I believed that everyone else too possess their own unique qualities. Many of my friends had always known me as and were much perturbed that I am a “philosopher” that “thinks too much”. This I cannot agree with them. One can never “think too much”. Life is too short to not think about answers, and then live it out. Though I have at times envied the simple and wishes for the normal, I have learnt to accept what life dishes and had managed to make do. With my circumstances and experiences, I was “forced” to confront and fight the many demons that reside in my heart. I desire truth and purity that serves faithfully in this one and only life that I have. With the ups and downs, I understood myself better and developed strength to carry on in this pilgrimage. Thus I believe all the more so in the ability of every individual’s will to create and shape his own identity, purpose and finally his destiny.

With growth comes much pain, with knowledge (wisdom through inquiry) much grief. Many will chose (maybe have already chosen) to ignore the path of growth from wisdom through inquiry. They “breezes” through life like the wind and seasons, with the world not ever knowing their existence. To look and search for answers seems tedious and unfruitful. Some may have tried, but in the process were embittered, disillusioned and hurt. Yet comfortingly, there are the some that emerged from this path, stronger and victorious. What is the difference between those who succeed and those who failed? What is the “meaning” and “purpose” in life for each different individual? What separate the “winners” and the “losers”? What makes ‘a great’ and another a mere passer-by? These are the questions of humanity, of existence and of life. In life’s platter holds many answers that wait for those who dare seek. A destiny is created for those who dare risk. Regardless of beliefs and religions, it is the present that truly matters and the future that we can mould with our present.

Since the beginning, man had dabbled with questions about life. Since the ancient to middle ages, from the renaissance to the new age, painters, poets, philosophers, “success” psychologists, philosophers, social workers and religious “fanatics” etc, have pondered and attempted with scientific theories, hypothesis, philosophies, religions, etc to explain plainly the complicate. I notice and could empathize deeply the world’s hunger for answers for the ever so many questions that it searches for eons. So…do I have the answers? Yes and No. I have the answers to the questions and problems to my life (though not all) , but they are generic and personal and are definitely not the answers to the questions and problems to yours. But then again some could be…(No guarantees). Every human being’s growth pathology, through perspectives, be it sociological, psychological, physiological, cultural, political, and etc is different. Very very different. The difference is so vast that to apply a generic “Mother of All Answers” will never be possible. Thus to debate and arrive at a common denomination of mankind other than our free will would be tedious and ridiculous. Even the way we eat, breathe and sleep is DIFFERENT!

In my search for answers to the ever-increasing questions that I have, I set for myself a learning principle to guide me through and aid me in my judgement of truth. Humility thus became my key component in inquiry, humbling me as I go along, maintaining an open mind but a closed cautious heart. With many self-help “pop” psychology and theologies floating around, I found it hard to be careful in what I hear and yet exercise the ability of logic without being too sceptical. Paradoxes, ironies and doctrinal contradictions became common and ambiguity reigns freely. With the learning atmosphere becoming easier for any individuals to “sit on the fence” than risk being called an extremist, activist or a fanatic, I thus tread the path of living with more caution yet hold firmly onto my found and firm convictions. Humanity (including me…) thus conforms rather than transform to the majority morays, norms and the common law. Complacency replaces developmental urgency, while activists relegate themselves to fit in rather than stick out like a sore thumb. Changes are greatly feared and breakthroughs bartered cheaply for stability. What woes would the world face when the day dawns on the revolution of change? How much more moans and groans before the pressure break apart the seams of society that man holds too dear?

I dare not nor inspire to teach but to share. To share of my own personal experiences and perspectives through this journey called life. I wish only that they can contribute in it little ways in helping you to find the answers that you need and to facilitate your own growth.

Cheers;
Michael G a.k.a WindyG